My Christmas Gifts

Each and every year, no matter how much I protest, my family always buys me clothing. I can’t tell you how many times I have received some kind of hideous knitted sweater that is 10 times the size of me with some kind of gold-foiled flower on the bosom. Since I am about a foot […]

Anyu’s Christmas Gift

No matter how hard I look for “the perfect gift,” every year my mother opens her present, make a sour face, and says, “Oh, is dis from the Dollar Store?” “No, Mom, they don’t sell 24K gold necklaces at the Dollar Store, but you keep looking.” She then looks at me suspiciously. “Did somevon just […]

The Christmas Cards

My cousin Erin usually hosts the family Christmas party. Over the years, Erin has learned that if she wants a party to get started at 2 pm, she has to tell my aunt Sophie that it is at noon, so my aunt will have sufficient time to wake up late, shower, make a sumptuous breakfast […]

Cat Food?

Last year, my family and I had just gotten back from one of our usual holiday excursions to HomeGrown Buffet, and my cousin Irina and I were sharing juicy gossip on the couch while Nagymama neurotically rearranged the items in our house. “Oh, Cousin,” she cooed, using her usual Balki Bartokomous impersonation, “Once again, your […]

A Typical Thanksgiving

My family is pretty small, so they never want to prepare a full, traditional Thanksgiving. Instead, they prefer to go to the HomeGrown Buffet* (*name changed to protect the innocent), wait in the cold for 45 minutes to get a table, and feast amongst the other dregs of society. Now before you crucify me, let […]

The Un-Sexy Costume

If you go to any party store, you might notice that there isn’t a heck of a lot of selection in terms of theme when it comes to Halloween costumes. Sexy Witch. Sexy Cheerleader. Even Sexy Nun! After my experience with the Medusa costume, I told my mother that there would be no freaking way […]

The Medusa Costume

When I was 12 years old, one of my cousins did my hair and makeup for the 8th Grade Dance and for once, it looked pretty darned good (unlike my Prom). To this day, my mother occasionally pulls out the 8th photo, sighs, and says, “You used to be so sexy.” It’s amazing because most […]

Trick or Drink?

Every year, I wanted to dress up as Barbie for Halloween. But rather than buy a blonde wig and some type of princess gown, we would go to the local K-Mart and buy a “Barbie Kit” which contained what looked like a crappy vinyl hair cutting cape with a dress painted on it and a […]