On the tenth day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy….
Sean Connery A-Sleepin’.
Originally, I would going to make Sean “Mr. September”, but I decided it might offend him because “it began with a bloody ‘S’!”
—
I like Sean Connery, too, but I haven’t seen much of his early work. My first “Classic Connery” moment happened when I walked in on my male roommate watching some hairy chested guy with a gun flailing around in his underwear.
“Eww, did I interrupt you watching old-timey porn?” I asked.
He shot me a dirty look from across the couch. “What are you talking about? This is James Bond!”
“Oh. Never saw it.”
“It’s .007! What’s wrong with you?!”
“I missed many popular films of the 70’s and the 80’s due to the lack of movie-watching technology in my childhood.”
“You want me to rewind it?”
“Nah, I don’t have time. When I have a chance to sit down for a few hours, I need to see ‘Star Wars’, the ‘Indiana Jones’ series, and the ‘Aliens’ series. And besides, this James Bond dude is kinda grossing me around with all his floofy chest hair and tiny bathing suit-ing.”
“That’s SEAN CONNERY, Stephanie!”
“No way…but he doesn’t have the accent!”
“Yeah, for some reason, he got more Scottish as he got older.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Guess it’s a sign of old age. The older you get, the more Scottish you get.”
“I can’t believe it. The Sean Connery I know and love is smokin’ HOT! This guy is hideous.”
“So, wait, what you mean to tell me you prefer old, wrinkled Sean Connery than young buff Sean Connery?”
“Well, yeah! Men get more distinguished as they get older.”
He smirked. “And they get more Scottish!”
“No, seriously! Men mature like a fine wine. Salt and Pepper = Chick Magnet.”
“I don’t know, I don’t really think about older chicks.”
“And that is why life is a cruel joke. Men hit their sexual peak in their 20’s, when they’re total morons. But women…we hit out peak in our mid-30’s to 40’s, we’re too busy with our families to go after the sex-crazed 20-year old guys, or we can’t find any 20-year old guys because they’re busy chasing 18-year old tail.”
“Hey, I’m in my 20’s and I’m not a moron.”
I waived him off. “Yes, yes, well, the first sign of being a moron is being in denial about being a moron. Enjoy your floofy chest hair movie.” I started to walk away.
“You know, Sean Connery even in his old age probably still have floofy chest hair.”
I turned back around and pondered for a moment. “Impossible. He’s practically bald. He can’t still have that burly mane.”
“Honestly, and this goes for men AND women, the older you get, the more hairer you get. And ironically, the hair is EVERYWHERE…except for your head.”
An image of Nagymama’s chin hair popped in my head. “Ah, you’re frightening me! When I get old, I hope I have enough money that I can pay someone to pluck my chin hairs. And if they start to grow uncontrollably, I’ll pay someone to kill me.”
“Hey, smothering an old person with a pillow is practically free!”
“Thank you. That’s kind of comforting.”
—
Regardless of my tastes, I know that my mother will enjoy the Classic Connery scene more than current Connery. I guess I’ll just add the rest of the photos I found to my personal collection…
