After I came out from the bathroom during my family’s weekend retreat, my family noticed that had changed into comfortable red fleece bug-eyed penguins pajamas with matching velvet penguin flipflops. Anyu looked at me up and down and made the same face she always makes when she’s disappointed. “Stephie…had yer boyfriend seen dose pee-zamas?” “Yes, […]
The LBI Bible Conference has a package with a modest, but clean room that includes a set of bunk beds, two queen-sized beds, a small bathroom, and three-square meals a day for only $77/person for an entire weekend. That’s a pretty good deal, despite the fact that I always get a headache from spending 72-hours […]
Every year, my mother, cousins, and I spend Mother’s Day weekend on the Jersey Shore, specifically LBI. Although LBI stands for “Long Beach Island”, I always call it “Large Bowel Irritation” because of the amount of stress and anxiety that goes into this vacation, especially the hour-and-a-half car ride from our home in Central Jersey. […]
One Sunday morning, our pastor has a special request after his sermon,“Would all the mothers in the church please stand up?” About half the congregation rose to their feet. “In honor of this Mother’s Day, we would like to honor our special mothers! Let’s give them a hand!” My mother scowled during the applause. “See, […]
Phone call transcription: “Anyu, what do you want for your birthday?”‘ “A man…” “Walmart is fresh out of those, what else?” “A nice rich husband to take me out dancing.” ” Yes, that’s located in the same isle as ‘Man’, and that isle is closed due to severe shortages…Seriously, mom, do you need anything?” “I […]
When I was in college, my roommate offered me her usual Friday-night babysitting job because she has a hot date instead. “No freaking way,” I said, “When my cousin had a baby, they had to sit me down on the couch and surround me with pillows so I wouldn’t break it’s neck with my man-hands.” […]
On April 5th this year, Nagymama turned 97-years-old. To celebrate such a momentous occasion, I decided to make a platter of ninety-seven of her favorite Snacky Cakes® for her to enjoy. “You’re freakin’ crazy,” my mom said over the phone. “Where you gonna get ninety-seven cakes?” “Snacky Cakes®, mom, yah know, the Little Debbie kind […]
Last weekend, I was suddenly inspired to start a garden, despite the fact that I have a million impending deadlines to deal with, a stack of receipts to calculate for my taxes, and an illogical fear of worms. I think part of the reason I was compelled to rip apart the weed-filled flowerbed is because […]
No one ever calls my home phone number except for telemarketers and my mother. After listening to six “very urgent messages about your car’s warranty,” I finally heard a familiar voice: Hallo, Stephanie….dis is your modder. Don’t forget, today is April Fooled, so be careful nobody puts poison in your food. Wow. Next March 31st, […]
