Earlier this week, I was invited to one of those obligatory holiday office party by a pharmaceutical consulting company that hires me for graphic design work. Since I know everyone at this company on a professional level, I was really surprised when one of these techies asked me about my “Sexmas Calendar“. Of course, those two little words caught the entire room’s attention, so the casual holiday conversation went right into the gutter and evolved into a game of “Name the Hottest Hairy-Chested Guy”. I was half-flattered, half-disturbed that fifteen pharmaceutical professionals were wracking their brains to find a way to turn on my mother, but I figured they could write it all off as “Clinical Research” for a more potent female Viagra drug or something.
By the end of the night, I received a list of about 50 people, but the name that really caught my attention was Marlon Brando. I totally forgot about Mr. Brando, probably because I’ve never seen any of his films (yes, that include “The Godfather” – try not to look so shocked). Fortunately, I’ve watched enough parodies to know that it would be funny to have a shirtless, hairy, tubby, Italian guy with cotton balls stuffed in his word hole as my Mr. March.
I googled Marlon Brando and was surprised and the amount handsome photos of him from other films I had never seen – “A Streetcar Named Desire,” “Julius Caesar”, etc. So on the third day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy…
SWEATY MARLON BRANDO!
I still can’t believe it. All this time, I assumed Marlon Brando was some kind of stroked-out fatty Mafia wannabe, but he’s widely considered the greatest movie actor of all time…and he was a total hottie. Where the heck have I been?! And it turns out, he’s not even Italian – he’s was an American of German, Dutch, Irish and English descent. All of my perceptions – DESTROYED! Oh, also, he’s dead. Missed that, too. I guess happened during my senior year of college, when I had no TV and spent my days studying up on Nazi-Fighting Donald Duck and “Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs”.
More than anything, I’m amazed that a little joke Christmas project turned out to be educational AND sexy (Hmm, you’d think a class with a name like “Sex Ed” would be more popular since it also combines those two things.)
Rest in Peace, Mr. Brando! I hope my mom thinks your hot, and sorry I thought you sucked! Here, I’ll make it up to you with horrible Photoshop: