“Hallo?”

“Hey, Anyu-“

“Vhat dah story?”

“Great news, the Leeway Foundation gave me a grant to write some our family stories to encourage young people to talk to their grandparents and parents!”

“You know, I saw Cheryl de odder day, she got so fat. She’s like 200 pounds.”

“Mom, listen. I’m going into the radio station to read some of my writing, isn’t that great? It tapes Monday.”

“How do you know dat dis is a real radio station? Vhat if someone made it up so they could kill you?”

“Wow. I call to tell you happy news, and you jump to the worst thing ever. Quit worrying.”
“So vhat are you telling the public?”

“Well, I was going to read a couple stories, you know, something funny about us. Maybe the cat story.”

“Don’t tell our bank account information.”

“Okay.”

“So a boyfriend is coming with you, right?”

“Well, uh, I-“

“How are you going to handle parking?”

“I was gonna-“

“You need to park at the garage where Stu used to park, he knew the cheapest places in town.”

“Yeah, mom, that garage is across town.”

“You can valk, vork off some of dat butt.” She laughed at her own joke. “Stu liked dat garage, you should go to the Stu Garage.”

“Probably because that’s where he liked to buy all his crack, mom…and that’s why we stopped dating more than THREE years ago, so stop talking about Stupid Stu. Besides, there is a lot of metered parking in front of the radio station, in a crack-free zone.”

“Oh, noooo, the POLIIIICE! Dey’ll catch you, you have to pay the meter, AND DEN, you’ll still get a big ticket. They cheat you.”

“Okay, I’ll park in a garage,” I lied.

“You know Donny always got a ticket. I wonder how he is, do you still talk to him?”

“No, I don’t talk to my ex-boyfriend from SEVEN freakin’ years ago.”

“There should be a sign on the door to prove it’s a real radio station. Not a paper von, a real metal sign!”

“Okay.”

“Be extra-extra careful.”

“Okay.”

“I have no trust in people. You know that guy from Dumkim Donut keeps bothering me, he called ten times a day.”

“Why do you keep answering the phone?”

“It could be my sister.”

“Why don’t you use the answering machine I bought you to screen your calls?”

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..” My mother sighed. “They’re paying you for dis, right?”

“What? To talk to you? I wish.”

“For the radio station?”

“No, it doesn’t work like that. It’s to promote the-”
“You can only go as long as you go bring a man.”

“You know, I’m 26-years old. I’m almost six feet tall. I can crush most men.”

“Trust nobody. You know, people pull so much stuff on your cousin, that’s why she doesn’t trust anyone and that’s why she’s single. She’ll probably never get married. No one will will marry her and take care of her and pay all of her bills.”

“Um, I don’t think she’s really inter-“

“Vat are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”

“I can’t deal with the idiotic crowds, I’m staying home cooking something.”

“Why the hell would you do dat? Why don’t you just go to the buffet?”

“No, I am not going to the Old Country Buffet for Valentine’s Day. Listen, I gotta go.”

“Okay, you should go to the Buffet, though.”

“Fine, I’ll go to the buffet,” I lied. Again.

“And don’t give our your social security number to anyvon, especially on the radio.”

“Okay. I really gotta go.”

“And call me if anyvon calls you, like your fodder or your other grandmodder. You wouldn’t talk to dem, vould you?”

“ANYUUUU, GOTTA GOOOOO, bye!”

“Okay, okay, bye. But remember-“

“Bye!”

Click.